Friday, April 3, 2009

The Challenger....

Generally speaking, I wish I had a bit more muscle in my home. Yes, an artsy boyfriend is lovely and provides unbridled sensitivity; however, sometimes I just want someone around that can totally kick some ass. 

Enter Orlando. 

While not much of a looker, Orlando here is 100% pure power. He can wash & dry with the best of them, move furniture like a champ, carry heavy boxes, and fight off thieves with a single flex of his mighty forearm. I'm not quite sure how I feel about his Mr. T bling, the bowlcut, or that chartreuse cummerbund, but all fashion faux pas can be mended with a quick trip to Bloomingdales. No amount of new-girlfriend makeovers, however, can get a guy that ripped overnight. 

Why should you put this on your wall? Well, frankly, the question should be why wouldn't you put this on your wall, but here are my top 2 scenarios:

1. Picture you're a loving father who has just helped his 20-something darling daughter move in to her new Harlem residence. Sure, it's a bit scruffy, but on her salary, you can't expect better in Manhattan. And she assures you she'll be safe, despite the drive-by shootings every Tuesday, the five homeless people living under her fire escape, the less-than-secure-looking lock on the door, the crack addict residing three doors down, and the twelves rapes that have been reported this month from the area. Best solution? Rather than help support your little lady by funding an apartment in a more docile area, why not get her Orlando? Imagine the thief/rapist/criminal who enters her apartment late at night only to find himself face to face with Mr. O--sheer terror, that's what I say. He'll be running for the hills and warning his equally-delinquent friends not to bother with that apartment, 'cuz she's got herself a giant on call. 

2. Every young man needs inspiration. Rather than decorate your son's walls with images of juiced-up professional athletes who hold the very real potential of becoming horrible role models (read: Kobe Bryant and the like), why not give him Orlando? With no historical documentation on the guy (just you try googling him--NOTHING!), he has no chance of ever letting you or your little boy down. He's simply pure machismo, a decorated athlete to be reckoned with. 

If neither of those two options tickles your fancy, just look at the poster. Orlando is the coolest heap of random ever to grace this fair blog, and that alone should excite you. Because at the end of the day, don't you want wall art that can kill all your friends' wall art? Nuff said. 

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